Woman's 'mortifying' sex confession: 'I could have died'

·7-min read

Slip under the covers with Ebony Leigh, an insatiable sex writer who's done the leg work. Delving in to all things erotic and taboo, she's Yahoo's answer to Carrie Bradshaw, if she was a Samantha.

The first time it happened I could literally have died. If only the mattress would open up and swallow me whole I’d prayed. Anything to escape this mortification.

The now noticeable silence rang out across the bed.

“There’s no way he could have not heard that,” I told myself as my boyfriend continued at an unmistakably slower pace.

Tired couple after they had sex.
There are so many things I wish I knew before I started having sex. Source: Getty

Fifteen years on and a ‘fanny fart’ now makes me laugh. Because as far as I am concerned, if you aren’t making noises, you aren’t doing it right.

Back then I had so much to learn but at least I wasn’t alone. Because according to these women and me there are a lot of things we wish we knew before we popped our wide-eyed cherries.

Sex isn’t like it is in the movies

As a kid who grew up pining for that back of the car scene in Titanic, to say the real deal didn’t measure up was a colossal understatement.

“Movie scenes never end in weird acrobatics with a wad of tissues and a hurried shuffle to the shower,” a woman told me.

While one fine man was quick to highlight the “absolute f***ing variety of sounds, smells and mess possible.”

Yes, romance is more often than not lost in reality. But is there an upside to being off screen?

“In movies they always seem so serious,” this woman explained.

“Sex is actually funny and awkward at times. You bump noses and someone farts, you bite their earlobe too hard and the cat jumps up next to you.”

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And according to some, it’s those real-life moments that bond you.

“The best part of sex is the funny moments that bring you closer to your partner,” one man professed.

“Sex can be so much wild fun with the right person.”

While if all else fails, “the belly and chest noises that sound like armpit farts are so wholesome.”

A woman’s body does not just ‘absorb the mess’

Ok, bear with me on this one because they sure as hell didn’t teach this in sex-ed.

“Honestly until I lost my virginity I always just assumed the stuff sort of gets completely absorbed by the woman,” one man confided in me.

“It’s not something I ever really thought about but I didn’t expect it to come back out so the mess was definitely a shock.”

“I am a woman and NOBODY told me this either,” another admitted.

“I also just assumed that my body would just like absorb it somehow.”

Lesson one: gravity is not always your friend. And what goes in, must come out. Luckily we’ve

got that “wad of tissues” on standby.

A helping hand is essential

“It’s not just about your primary weapon but your secondary firearm,” one man concluded to me.

Never a truer word spoken. Because speaking for all women, a penetrating pecker is very rarely ever enough.

“Hands, mouth, toys, take your pick,” this generous gentleman explained.

“Just make sure you and your partner have fun. Don’t be locked up in the idea of just thrusting to victory.”

Thankfully he isn’t alone in this philosophy.

Nude passionate couple having sex on white bed.
Sex in reality is definitely not like the movies. Source: Getty

“To get your partner to orgasm takes an actual effort and just a d**k won’t be enough,” another man agreed.

“My first girlfriend was unable to reach an orgasm. It took about half a year to learn how to give her one and even then it was only the combination of me penetrating her and her touching her clitoris.

“Still that gave me the lesson I’m glad I had.”

Lube is for everyone

There once was a time when I thought lube was only for those with a problem. I was always wet enough, I reasoned with myself. And even when I wasn’t, I was far too embarrassed to point it out.

Oh how the tables have turned and now I keep a constant supply on standby. But sadly this lack of lubrication has cost some their sex life.

“My then girlfriend just told me it felt too painful if she wasn’t wet enough,” one man said.

“Because of that we only ended up having intercourse once or twice in our entire relationship.”

You shouldn’t just do it because ‘everyone else is’

No matter how casual sex may (or may not) seem now, losing your virginity is a pivotal moment.

But sadly it’s often lost in the teenage pressure to just do it.

“You shouldn’t sleep with someone you don’t like just to not be a virgin anymore,” one man claimed.

“This definitely happened to me. Every one of my friends was acting like they were getting laid (they weren’t) so I slept with someone I wasn’t into.”

Not only is it important to wait until you’re really ready but to find someone you actually want to get your pants off with.

Your pleasure counts too

Unfortunately for women, sex is often dependent on a man’s moves. You start when he’s ready and you finish when he’s done. Female pleasure often comes in second best.

“For a long time when I had sex I didn’t care about myself during it,” one woman told me.

“If they came it was basically over and I didn’t experience an orgasm.

“But I’ve learned over time that my pleasure counts too.”

Missionary is a classic for a reason

Just like the little black dress, this sex position will never go out of style.

“People joke about missionary being bland and vanilla but it’s my favourite,” one lady gushed.

“You’re all wrapped up and pressed together and you’re able to kiss, bite and watch your partner react to what you’re doing. The intimacy is really hot to me.”

Others passionately agreed.

“People call missionary the most basic but in my opinion, it’s one of the most intense positions,” another fan said.

“It’s a classic because it’s good.”

Man kissing womans neck while she is lying on her back in bed.
Don't be too quick to write off the missionary position. Source: Getty

No one’s noticing your body hang-ups

Despite what you may be thinking about your lumps and bumps, there’s a very hot chance they’re the furthest thing from your partner’s mind.

“The other person isn’t worried about your belly or your birthmark that looks like Oprah’s silhouette,” one man confirmed to me.

“As long as you’re clean, you’re good.”

So it’s time to put those body hang-ups to bed, along with any pressure and sexpectations.

“I wish I had known how simple sex actually is when you stop thinking about what you should do or need to do and just focus on who you’re with and stop trying to anticipate what’s going to happen,” someone else added.

It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon

This is potentially one of the few times we should all feel lucky that we’re not in a rom-com.

Because when it comes to the real deal, a few quick thrusts in the back seat aren’t ever going to cut it.

“It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon,” one man declared to me.

“Don’t be in a hurry. Having it last longer gives you time to explore each other and what you both find enjoyable.”

Because as we all know now, not everyone is the same when it comes to sexual tastes.

“A turn on for one can be an absolute deal breaker for another,” someone else said.

“The key is to communicate.”

Sex is greatest when you’re in love

Yes, one-night stands are a heck of fun and doing it with a stranger is HOT. But having sex with someone you’re in love with versus someone casual “are two very different things.”

From an unbelievable level of intimacy to a deeper sexual connection, doing it with someone you've got the feels for can’t be beaten.

Two people laying in bed.
Sex is the best with someone you love. Source: Getty

“Sex with intimacy is flipping amazing,” one woman announced to me.

“It’s like your souls are having sex, not just your bodies.”

And if there was anything left to be said, it’s this.

“Good sex is way more about the mental chemistry than anything physical.”

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