James Breakwell is perhaps best known in the parenting world by his Twitter handle, @XplodingUnicorn, where he tweets about his hilarious experiences as a dad.
According to Breakwell, the Exploding Unicorn name came from a line in a fake Biblical book he wrote in high school. He explained: “For reasons that have been lost to time, I included a passage about unicorns filled with hydrogen. It ended with the line, ‘...and that’s where we get the saying, “It exploded like a unicorn.”’ Clearly I had too much time on my hands, but the mental image stuck.”
Through the Exploding Unicorn comedy brand, Breakwell has built up his audience with funny and honest accounts of parenting his four daughters. “When you read about my kids, you’re not really reading about my kids. You’re reading about your own children,” says Breakwell. “All kids are weird and quirky and unintentionally funny.”
For Breakwell’s newest comedy project, he’s written a helpful book titled Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. The impetus behind the book was simple: “Most parenting guides are too serious, and most zombie survival guides don’t tell you what to do if you have a family,” he explains. “Only Dead on the Inside fills in that gap and combines two genres in a book no one asked for but everyone needs.” At the moment, Breakwell notes that no one who’s read the book has died in a zombie attack, so the book really offers a 100 percent survival rate.
And more good news: Breakwell also believes that being a parent is an inherent advantage during a zombie apocalypse. “The apocalypse can’t break us. As the title of the book suggests, we’re already dead on the inside,” says Breakwell.
In honor of his new book out this month, we’ve gathered some of @XplodingUnicorns funniest tweets about parenting. Enjoy, and check out his book if you’re hoping to survive any future zombie apocalypses (or just looking for a good laugh).
Marriage is mostly just sending each other memes while your kids destroy the house around you.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2017
[sees teacher from school at the store]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2017
7-year-old: They let you out?
My 4-year-old calls Dunkin' Donuts "Drunken Donuts."— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 9, 2016
I was going to correct her.
Then I realized it was the best idea ever for a bakery.
I thought there was nothing worse than when my kids fought.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 10, 2016
Then they started working together.
5-year-old: My sisters are always around.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2017
Me: They live here, too.
5: They don't have to.
I forgot the diaper bag so I’m at the doctor’s office with diapers hanging out of my pockets and I think the moms in the lobby are impressed— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 7, 2017
My 5-year-old called Parmesan cheese “spaghetti sprinkles” and now that's officially a food group in my house.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2017
[two of my four kids burst into tears]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2016
Random lady walking by: Why are you crying, girls?
Me: It's cute that you think there's a reason.
Me: I thought you'd be dressed by now.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2017
7-year-old: I thought you knew better.
My 2-year-old called the vehicle for sick people a "wee woo truck" and now I don't even remember what the right name is anymore.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 17, 2017
Me: Did you have a good day at school?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2017
6-year-old: That's not how school works.
I never thought I'd have to tell my kids, "Don't use your little sister for bullfighting," yet here we are.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2017
The fastest person on earth isn't Usain Bolt.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 17, 2017
It's any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[only have 1 frozen pizza when we need 2]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2017
5-year-old: It's enough for me.
Me: What about everybody else?
5: They can watch.
How to take off shoes like my 4-year-old:— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 2, 2017
1) Remove shoe
2) Place it on shoe tray
3) Remove other shoe
4) Toss it into another dimension
My 3-year-old is pretending to read.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2017
She's saying the words to "Going on a Bear Hunt."
But she's holding "The Berenstain Bears."
Best vacation destinations according to my 4-year-old:— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2016
3) McDonald's play place
2) car wash
1) sidewalk where she saw a dog that one time
Wife: *back from the store* How were the kids?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2016
Wife: I took them with me. You didn't even notice
Me: I thought they were quiet
When I got my toddler out of bed, she gave me a big hug to show how much she loves me.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 10, 2017
She hit me with a shoe.
Things the baby tried to eat instead of baby food:— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
1) an unroasted coffee bean
2) a small rock she found on the ground
3) her own foot
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2017
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
I'm not sure what my kids did in this room, but based on the debris pattern I'd say they ritually sacrificed a chocolate doughnut.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2017
4-year-old: Why did you say "shift?"— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2016
4: Yeah. When you got mad driving.
Me: Just shifting gears.
I drive an automatic.
Being a parent is pretty fulfilling if you like giving good advice that gets completely ignored 100 percent of the time.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2016
My 3-year-old shouted, “Look out! I’m backing up!”— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2017
I’m raising a truck.
4-year-old: Did you know you can put cheese on anything?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2017
4: *intense whisper* ANYTHING.
I can hear my 6-year-old singing "We Will Rock You" in the bathroom.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2016
I'm not sure what's happening in there, but apparently it's going well
[bed time]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2016
Me: Your mom told you to stay in bed.
3-year-old: There's a scary monster in my closet
Me: Scarier than Mom?
3: *goes to bed*
5-year-old: Can we buy that?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2016
Me: It's too expensive
5: Use your credit card. Then it's free
Guess who's never getting her own credit card
2-year-old: *frantically points at the pig*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2017
Me: What's wrong?
2: *intense whisper* SHE'S NAKED.
5-year-old: I'm running away!— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2017
Me: *looks at the laundry* Take me with you.
- This article originally appeared on HuffPost.