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This 'girl's guide' to watching sport will make you seethe

He's Fitzy and Wippa's newsreader and a TV panellist, and Matt de Groot is also Be's dating 'expert'. Let him take you on a deep dive into the world of relationships... from a guy's perspective.

I want to provide a list of things for women to avoid when watching ‘the sports’ with either their partner, a mate or a group of mates.

This is for the large cross-section of ladies who claim to enjoy sport when a big event rolls around, but really just enjoy the idea of the event surrounding the game.

These women will generally buy a scarf to verify their enthusiasm, can confidently name a player from either (or neither) team involved, will declare they’ll organise snacks and start the WhatsApp group to co-ordinate movements.

Matt de Groot provides a list of things for women to avoid when watching ‘the sports’ with either their partner, a mate or a group of mates. Source: Supplied
Matt de Groot provides a list of things for women to avoid when watching ‘the sports’ with either their partner, a mate or a group of mates. Source: Supplied

They’re a very endearing group because they just want to part of it and share in the hype, but once the game begins quickly realise they’re not actually interested at all.

Which is why I want to lay out a list of common mistakes, and offer some dos and don’ts to ensure everyone has an enjoyable sporting experience:

Asking General Questions – Let’s be honest, outside of cricket most sports are pretty simple to understand, and so asking questions about their mechanics during play isn’t necessary.

Examples of these are “Who’s winning?” (Especially during any moment in cricket) “What is the score?” (it’s on the screen), “How long left?” (again, screen!), “Why did they do that?” and “Well, in that case why did they do that?”

Base level questions about the rules should be addressed in a video-session prior to the main-game.

Avoid asking general questions as outside of cricket, most sports are pretty simple to understand, and so asking questions about their mechanics during play isn’t necessary. Source: Sony Pictures
Avoid asking general questions as outside of cricket, most sports are pretty simple to understand, and so asking questions about their mechanics during play isn’t necessary. Source: Sony Pictures

Asking Specific Questions – Of course, if there is a moment in the game where everyone reacts that is lost on you, definitely ask. Match specific conversations are fair-play, and that kind of situational awareness is impressive.

The guy will also feel a sense of bravado in having his ‘expertise’ called upon.

Picking a team – It’s wise to pick a team to support ahead of time. It’s unwise - but accepted - for this decision to be based on which mascot would win in a real-life fight as it shows an element of consideration.

Less acceptable is “I prefer their colours.”

It’s wise to pick a team to support ahead of time. Source: Getty
It’s wise to pick a team to support ahead of time. Source: Getty

The only thing you cannot do is change team based on which team is winning .

And as an appendage, don’t say you’ll wait to pick until one team is clearly in front.

If you don’t care who wins, I strongly recommend supporting the opposition to your partner’s / mate’s team. Cheer loud, troll them, it’s good banter.

As a general rule the first 10 minutes and the last 15 should be considered off limits for chit-chat as that is when the game is at its most intense. Source: Getty
As a general rule the first 10 minutes and the last 15 should be considered off limits for chit-chat as that is when the game is at its most intense. Source: Getty

Generalchit-chat – This is fine if the aforementioned ‘situational awareness’ is applied.

As a general rule the first 10 minutes and the last 15 should be considered off limits as that is when the game is at its most intense.

Gossip and work-day reviews are not strong enough topics to offer up. And, at any given moment, the conversation may be halted for an important play.

This is not rude it’s simply that something has happened in the game, but trust the conversation will resume when the game settles down.

Gossip and work-day reviews are not strong enough topics to offer up. And, at any given moment, the conversation may be halted for an important play. Source: Getty
Gossip and work-day reviews are not strong enough topics to offer up. And, at any given moment, the conversation may be halted for an important play. Source: Getty

Group chit-chat – If a pocket within a larger group have identified themselves as disinterested and commence a smaller conversation, they are politely encouraged to relocate to a sound-safe distance from the pack.

Getting saucy – If you’re watching the game together, but alone don’t try to get intimate.

It’s awkward because he’ll always choose the game. Which will then get more awkward because he’ll have to explain why he’s choosing it over you. Simply accept that he won’t reciprocate, but he will do so knowing his next advance will be shut down.

This rule is cancelled if that intimacy does not impact his viewing of the match.

If you’re watching the game together but alone, don’t try to get intimate. Source: Getty
If you’re watching the game together but alone, don’t try to get intimate. Source: Getty

As an appendage to that, rest assured he will tell his mates the next day.

As a further appendage, he will be high-fived.

As a further appendage, I’ve used appendage far too much in this section. Appendage.

Ordering food– With boredom comes hunger, and it’s not uncommon for a girl to rise at the 30 minute mark and declare they will order the food.

There will be no opposition. Nor will there be a great deal of care about what the food is, where it’s from, what toppings it has, or if they want to get at least one of the vegetarian/gluten free options.

A higher order skill is timing the food to arrive at half time. Source: Fox
A higher order skill is timing the food to arrive at half time. Source: Fox

A higher order skill is timing the food to arrive at half time.

But that takes practice.

And finally - Declaring it “is just a game” – NEVER do that. Seriously. If there is one rule above all other, at no stage before, during or specifically after the game utter the phrase, “It’s just a game”.

For some reason this is often used to console a losing fan, but I promise it will only serve to heighten the emotional distress, and occasionally turn its attention to you.

While yes, “it is just a game” and yes, “no one died” and yes, “the sun will rise in the morning” - these generalities provide no tangible consolation.

As alternatives you will find “Let’s get a drink”, “at least we don’t live in (insert name of opposition town)” and “F*ck the f*cking f*ckers” will be much better received.

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