This guy dealt with his insomnia by grading foxes on Twitter and it's fantastic
If you didn't have any strong opinions on species of fox, get ready to have some.
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Twitter user Colin J Carlson was plagued by insomnia on Saturday, and he had a novel solution to the crisis.
in the face of insomnia i will attempt to assign letter grades to the weird foxes. please stand by and watch this space for weird fox letter grades,, thank you
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
a disclaimer before i begin: i am not a fox expert nor do i know things about foxes. please correct me if i am wrong. however the letter grades will not be wrong. this is the definitive ranking
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Take it away Colin. He starts out with the basics.
red fox (vulpes vulpes)
• the classic fox, the bar for foxness, a necessary prerequisite
• a good fox but NOT weird. weird-deficient. just a standard fox
• grade: B pic.twitter.com/FlZJlPA2lS— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Next up was a top notch fox.
tibetan sand fox (vulpes ferrilata)
• cubism is alive and well
• these eyes see into your soul
• a truly weird and unnerving fox design
• grade: A pic.twitter.com/rZMyh8zdlI— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Then came a very slinky fox.
Rüppell's fox (vulpes rueppellii)
• who authorized this transaction
• answers the question no one asked: what if a fox was made of spaghetti
• untrustworthy facial expressions
• potentially too deep in uncanny valley
• grade A- pic.twitter.com/Av410apcqr— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
He really liked the corsac fox.
corsac fox (vulpes corsac)
• when soft: god's perfect fox. the highest fox design. too good.
• when pointy and not soft: uncanny, weird eyes, harrowing stare
• grade: A+ pic.twitter.com/rFX8QUyeUC— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
And Blanford's fox's big bushy tail got it points.
blanford's fox (vulpes cana)
• astounding ear:face:tail ratios at play
• strongly deviant from the main fox gestalt, doing its own thing
• lawful good, trustworthy face
• grade: A pic.twitter.com/afN54MVjdB— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
The kit fox however was pretty sub-par by his estimation.
kit fox (vulpes macrotis)
• i'll say it: they're trying too hard to be cute
• neither fox enough nor weird enough
• i'm making the unpopular call and taking a stand
• grade: C pic.twitter.com/eH684SfdC2— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Luckily the bat-eared fox brought its A++ game.
bat-eared fox (otocyon megalotis)
• a return to weird fox form
• arguably the perfect deviant fox bauplane, doing it's own thing
• this fox answers to no one
• ears full of secrets?
• grade: A++. i will not be negotiated down from this. pic.twitter.com/gOOAXagm0F— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
The fennec fox wasn't quite as ace but still pretty cool.
fennec fox (vulpes zerda)
• best latin name
• overhyped for cuteness
• clear and relatable attitude problem
• not even trying to be a fox anymore but still very foxy
• grade: B+ pic.twitter.com/PT6rZShiNc— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Even the crab-eating fox got a look-in.
crab eating fox (cerdocyon thous)
• almost but not entirely unlike a fox
• crab eating, as a fox-deviant motif: rebellious
• sort of like a dog conceptually but not in practice
• could improve with a couple rounds of constructive criticism
• grade: B+ pic.twitter.com/k9AQEsvpXJ— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Finally it was the arctic fox's turn, and then 'twas the end of fox grade.
arctic fox (vulpes lagopus)
• clearly a soft boy and a very fox aesthetic
• here's the thing. it's trying too hard. it's playing you
• at the end of the day: this is just a desaturated fox
• good, a classic, but frankly unoriginal
• grade: B- pic.twitter.com/JEf5X0Zvrj— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
this is all of the fucked up fox's i know of; thanks pic.twitter.com/JzqON8GVnh
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Carlson did a couple "bonus rounds" and even reviewed a wolf.
my notifications are 100% broken but by appeal from @TakimotoYama
bonus round #4: maned wolf (chrysocyon brachyurus)
• not a fox
• clearly wants to be a fox
• you know something. you know what. why's it so god damn tall
• i can't tell if it's photoshopped
• grade: A- pic.twitter.com/1k3QHGRmGC— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Hats off to you Colin for dealing with your insomnia by educating us all about foxes. You are a god among foxes.
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