During Thursday’s season 3 premiere of The Kardashians, Kim said she’ll be the "biggest cheerleader" of ex Kanye for their children’s sake, but not at a personal cost: "Inside I’m dying"
During Thursday’s season 3 premiere of The Kardashians, Kim opened up to mom Kris Jenner about the impact of Kanye’s erratic actions, which, at the time, involved online attacks and allegations made against her family and loved ones.
In a confessional, Kim, 42, told cameras: “There's been a lot going on with Kanye right now … I think at this point, I just assume everything I text Kanye is gonna be put on the internet. I think I can handle anything, I just get really heartbroken for my mom, that she has to deal with so much from so many different sides."
Speaking to her mom, Kim admitted, "I spent my whole morning having an anxiety attack, I felt like I just couldn't breathe all day. You know when you're just on the verge of tears... that's how I felt all day."
She then continued, "Even through all of the craziness of everything that Kanye says about us, I never comment, I never post… he has made up the most insane narrative about you, and the tape, and we stay silent, we stay silent through all the lies."
"Even how he looks so down on me for my [sex] tape, brings it up all over town, all over the media. Like, thanks for reminding people once again," she went on. "All of his shenanigans is gonna be far more damaging to the kids one day than my tape will ever be and I have to sit here and not say anything, ever, because I know one day my kids will appreciate that. And I know that is the best thing for them.”
"And by the way, I'm the one where s--- could be going down and I get in the car, and every day, the kids want to blast dad's music and I’m like, 'He's the best!' I put it on and we're singing along, and inside I'm dying because I will be his biggest cheerleader to them forever, and one day, when they can see for themselves, I'll answer whatever they want me to. It's a lot," she said. “And the one that was supposed to protect me — and still does interviews saying they will be my forever protector — is the one that's hurting me the most.”
Kim also spoke about how she has trouble believing Kanye, 45, wants to be her "protector" when he was the one that allegedly "started a rumor that I was hooking up with Drake" and accused her of infidelity throughout their marriage.
In another confessional, Kim admitted that Kanye will occasionally ask for "approval" over what she says about him on the show, but she pointed out: "You just talked about me in this song, this song, this interview... and didn't ask my permission."
"I never say anything bad, I never say anything negative," she added. "If I say I'm exhausted, I feel guilty about that. I am f---ing exhausted!"
As Kris, 67, attempted to console her daughter, Kim grew more emotional. "For once, can everyone just get their s--- together around me? ... I wanna have a bad day and I can't. I can't even be overwhelmed and have a bad day because no one else has their s--- together."
Kris then pointed out that Kim is "under a lot of stress and she doesn't realize "the weight of the world is on your shoulders."
But Kim continued crying, telling her mom: "I feel bad, and I don’t know why I feel bad. And it's like, I don't know what to do, I don’t want to be a part of this narrative. And it's like, when is this ever gonna end? It never will ... I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life."
In a confessional, Kim explained, "It's just always so intense. I don’t want to engage in a public feud with him. I feel like I have to do something, especially when it involves other people and it hurts other people."
Kris tried to comfort the SKIMS founder once more. "First of all, you can't control somebody else's behavior," she said. "You have to look at the history of this — you were there for him for so many years. And then you finally decided that you couldn't take it anymore, it wasn't in the best interest for you or your children, you got a divorce. You did the only thing you could do."
The emotional scene then concluded with Kim crying in her confessional and telling cameras, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
As fans know, Kim and Kanye wed in 2014 but ultimately divorced in 2021 after a tumultuous period that saw the rapper posting erratic tweets, making troubling allegations against her mom, and divulging deeply personal details about his family and marriage.
Some of Kanye’s troubling remarks were also directed at Pete Davidson, who Kim began dating in fall 2021. As their relationship deepened, Kanye hurled several attacks at the couple both online and in the press.
His harassment became so detrimental to Kim that she stated in a 2022 court filing that it caused her "emotional distress." Additionally, the SKIMS mogul said she "very much" desires "to be divorced."
"I have asked Kanye to keep our divorce private, but he has not done so," she said in documents obtained by PEOPLE in February 2022. "Kanye has been putting a lot of misinformation regarding our private family matters and co-parenting on social media which has created emotional distress. I believe that the court terminating our marital status will help Kanye to accept that our marital relationship is over and to move forward on a better path which will assist us in peacefully co-parenting our children."
A judge then ruled Kim legally single on March 2 of that year.
As the reality star mentioned in Thursday’s episode, she has tried to remain cordial with Kanye in the public eye, at one point even calling for "compassion" towards the rapper when she addressed his bipolar diagnosis.
But all that drama has certainly impacted her mindset moving forward. While speaking about her current dating situation on the premiere, Kim admitted she felt "a lot of guilt" after her split from Pete since "he went through a lot because of my relationship." (The duo split in August 2022 after 9 months together.)
"I’m single and I’m not ready to mingle and that's OK," she declared.
Still, though, Kim said she hopes to find love again. "I go back and forth in my feelings sometimes, like, who's ever gonna wanna date me?" Kim said in a confessional. "I have four kids, I'm in my 40s ... like, who's gonna wanna deal with the drams? But my person is gonna be like, 'F--- all that. It's gonna be hard, but we're together and we're gonna do this.' So I'm just waiting for that person."
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The Kardashians season 3 is now streaming on Hulu.
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