He’s picked his new girlfriend
Collected his trophy
Let’s recycle those candles
And light them for Sophie.
We made it, you guys. We’re here. The Bachelor finale.
We’ve waded through bachelorettes whose faces are barely familiar and whose names never even
had a chance of being remembered.
We’ve survived a thousand OMG faces.
We’ve seen a pig, a horse, a swan, and a camel.
So here’s a question before we go any further: knowing what we do about the last couple of series where we’ve been carefully manipulated and misled in order to make the winner announcement a brutal shock, do you think at this point we know the winner despite being manipulated, are not being manipulated so the winner is obvious, or are now so savvy we’re incapable of being manipulated and have morphed into a collective unmanipulable genius robot from outer space?
Only time and Thailand will tell.
In the meantime, I just have a few questions. Think of them as distracting filler if you will, like say, endless recaps, a trip to Thailand, or any scene containing any family member ever.
Being a sentient being with its own emotions and postal address, does Usher’s hair cope with the
dense humidity of Indochina?
Q: Seeing as Matty’s about to go off the market in front of a national audience, are Matty’s brothers
worth a crack?
When Elise and Laura meet Matty’s family, do they respond differently to being interrogated?
Q: Being a ritzy old boiler with a posh mouth and a bit of near-retirement sass, can we tell who
Matty’s Mum, Mrs Matty, likes better just from her facial expressions?
Being a whole other country that you can’t even drive to on a road, is there about forty minutes total of time-filling, sweeping landscape shots?
In the to-camera interviews, has the prop department added enough background clues telling us
we’re in an exotic location?
Did you guys know that if you take a screenshot of an elephant-washing date at just the right time, it
can look like an entirely different kind of date?
Do each of the girls get a final date couch? Date couches are important.
This one’s more of a statement than a question: STOP KISSING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEBODY GET THE CHAPSTICK.
Seeing that conversations in any Bachelor finale must by law be copied and pasted from conversations in the 15 preceding episodes, what’s the winning cliché in the end?
It’s a toss-up between ““I didn’t expect to feel this way”, “I don’t want this to be the end”, and the sound of two sets of tonsils slapping together.
Do Matty, Elise and Laura take so long to get ready for the big winner announcement that it makes the swelling, anticipatory violins irritating instead of stirring?
Is Matty so hot and nervous he could chuck?
And finally, did Matty pick the girl we all sorta kinda knew would win from the very beginning?
Bye, Matty and Laura. We’ll see you in the gossip mags whenever you undergo a major life event and maybe buy some of your jewellery as an in-joke present for that friend we know who watches The Bachelor a lot and is really hard to buy presents for.