The talented and hilariously entertaining Jo Thornely is back with her latest recap of The Bachelor, complete with her signature wit and humour that we all love.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The higher the danger,
The more he likes you
Look it’s been a while, so we might as well prepare ourselves for the long, drawn-out, frequent flashback, oh-what-an-agonising choice section of the series with a quick squiz at some man-nipples, eh?
But let’s not dwell on fleshy protuberances. Matty has to take each girl on one last date to figure out who he likes, or at the very least put each girl in mortal danger and see who survives.
“I’m starting to feel a little bit concerned by the fact that he constantly wants to throw me off and out of things” says Laura from the top of a cliff she’s about to paraglide off. I’d be more concerned about how many times you’ve had to wear a helmet, mate.
Matty and Laura take one last look at each other, squeal and swear a little bit, and take a running jump off the edge, only to meet again in the form of a beautiful sky bra.
Having passed the not-dying test, Matty takes Laura to an outdoorsy evening couch to find out if she’ll finally let her (imaginary and invented) guard down and tell him how she feels.
First though, Matty reminisces about their original portrait-drawing date and how he regrets not doing her beauty justice. The fix? (Imaginary and invented) drawing lessons!
Laura is delighted, and finally tells Matty she’s kinda sorta falling in love with him.
“Oh” says Matty. “I’m um… I’m kinda taken aback right now”.
Don’t worry, the candle-lighting interns haven’t worked for free in vain, Matty collects himself, does the trademark Matty J Kissy Face, and goes in for a much-needed reassuring pash.
No time to linger though, got another girl to organise transport for. It’s Elise! And surely by now, after this many dates, Matty will stop telling us that his connection with Elise came about much later, particularly compared to some of the other ladies.
“My connection with Elise only came about much later compared to some of the other ladies” Matty says, walking through a cloud of steam. He arrives at a country train station and gives Elise a hug and a kiss. I mean it’s nice, but it’s not like, say, a scene from a movie where you have these two lovers who’ve been separated for so long and then this is the moment where they get reunited at the station.
“It’s like a scene from a movie where you have these two lovers who’ve been separated for so long and then this is the moment where they get reunited at the station” says Matty, really killing my vibe.
As the train drags itself slowly through the Australian bush while Matty and Elise exchange niceties with stiff smiles on their faces, I’m starting to think that the more danger Matty puts girls in, the more he likes them.
I mean come on. When night falls and Matty takes Elise to a campfire, she doesn’t even get a couch. Everybody knows that a Bachelor date isn’t really a date unless there’s a couch involved.
Matty tells Elise that she seems like the kind of girl he could come home from a bad day and complain to, which prompts Elise to respond that she’s kinda sorta falling in love with him.
“I didn’t know that” responds Matty.
I think we’d better move away from this danger-free, couchless, unconvincing kissing place and head somewhere that’s pure and golden with rainbows and puppies with hearts for eyes.
“Aw SICK, Matty and a seaplane, my two favourite things!” squeals Tara, and whatever three levels above completely and utterly in love is, that’s how Australia feels right now. Hmmm, let’s see… is this date pant-soilingly dangerous enough to indicate interest on Matty’s part?
Tara keeps being repeatedly and relentlessly adorable, and Matty tells us that she makes him happy every second he’s with her. At least I think that’s what he said, I kind of muffled the speaker while I was hugging the television.
When the couple trades their seaplane in for a mostly stationary yacht that they’re not allowed inside, we all have to remember that there’s a very good chance Matty won’t pick Tara, and prepare ourselves for how that’s going to feel. It’s going to feel like somebody betrayed a silver unicorn and then kicked it in the gonads.
Tara DEFINITELY gets a couch and candles, because she deserves it. “Today was perfect” says Tara, taking one to know one. “I really miss you when you’re not around” she continues, looking in a mirror. “I feel like there’s a chance this show is just using my perfection and popularity to distract people from the girl Matty will ultimately end up with” she adds, showing a really admirable amount of insight. Still. He should definitely kiss her.
With only three girls left, there’s no frivolous cocktail parties for anyone. This is SERIOUS. You must DRINK ALONE looking off to one SIDE.
We’re in the Rosatorium. Osher, in an imitation triceratops-pelt suit, is introducing Matty. There’s two roses. The girls look amazing.
Matty hesitates. Music swells. I think I speak for all Australians when I say, with a hand on my heart and a tear in my eye: GET ON WITH IT.
Matty calls Laura’s name because she jumped off a cliff for him.
Matty calls Elise’s name because she roasted some marshmallows.
Matty does not call Tara’s name because he does not care about you, your family, your pets, your emotional well-being or the ongoing national belief in anything good and pure.
RIGHT MATTY, JUST FOR THAT YOU GET THIS SCREENSHOT OF YOU WITH YOUR EYES HALF CLOSED, BECAUSE I CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT YOU.
Bye, Tara. We’ll miss the way you were the best human to ever rock a topknot. We are, as a nation, in your own glorious vernacular: DEVVO
You can follow Jo Thornely on Twitter for more brilliant Bachelor commentary.