This morning I woke up with sore eyes and a sore head. I had been crying for 12 hours straight last night. . . and just when I thought I couldn’t cry anymore I have tears running down my face while I’m writing this.
On January 9, I received a phone call that no women should ever receive.
“Hi Melissa, just a courtesy call to let you know that today your embryos will be destroyed and we just wanted to double check that you still want to go ahead with it, you actually have 4 healthy and screened embryos that will grow into healthy children,” I was told.
And my response: “Yes I’m very aware what I went through to create them and I did so with every intention to bring them into this world, but my ex-husband said no to me using the embryos and without his permission, I cannot use them.”
Do I think it’s fair? Yes and no. Whether you are male or female I truly believe you should have every right to decide if you want to bring a child into this world, it’s incredibly unfair to make that choice for someone.
However. My now ex-husband was very aware that my biological clock was ticking due to my Endometriosis and that our relationship would determine if I would or wouldn’t be a mother, I begged him to end it if he wasn’t in it 100%. Turns out he wasn’t in it.
So, last night I lit 4 candles with my friend and I put Jeff Buckley Hallelujah on repeat. I cried hysterically out of grief, to me it feels like I’m destroying the life of a child . . . 4 of them. To know that they have the potential to grow into healthy children and that I have to destroy them is truly traumatising.
It’s hard to understand how hard it is to go through IVF and what it means to destroy embryos, for those that have been through it I’m thinking of you. Today I will cry some more but tomorrow I will move forward.
This year I’m going to freeze my eggs and I will take control of my future, my eggs my way.