One habit that will predict if your relationship will last

Why do some relationships seem to thrive while others disintegrate? While romantic partnerships can be complex, there is one simple habit that can strengthen and enhance your relationship.

As a couples therapist, I’ve seen this time and time again in the therapy room.

Regular small moments of intimacy

Small moments are powerful and occur all the time between you and your partner. If the sum of your small moments is positive, you will have a good relationship. However, the opposite is also true. If your daily interactions are too negative or neutral, they will compound and lead to disconnection. If you ignore the small moments, you are putting your relationship at risk.

Renowned psychologist and researcher Dr John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, has spent four decades researching successful relationships. His ‘love lab’ studies revealed two distinct groups of couples – ‘masters’ and ‘disasters’.

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Masters were physically calmer, less reactive and created a safer space to foster trust and intimacy, leading to lasting connections.

Disasters, on the other hand, were reactive and experienced quicker relationship deterioration.

Putting it simply, masters were couples who had regular small moments of intimacy. Disasters were couples who neglected to prioritise the small moments in the relationship, often neglecting bids for connection, leading to divorce or unhappiness.

Masters, on the other hand, turn toward each other even following conflict offering and responding to bids for connection, nurturing emotional connection and sustained relationships. Masters ensure the small moments in a relationship are positive.

Small moments predict the direction of a relationship

The accumulation of small moments shapes the feel and direction of your relationship. So if your small moments are generally positive, you will have a healthy relationship ‘holding pattern’. This holding pattern will be protective because returning to a positive space after conflict will feel natural. Small moments either keep you stagnant, in a conflict state, or flourishing, in a positive direction.

Some couples try to compensate for a lack of small moments of intimacy with grand gestures. While these can be nice, they won’t compensate for a lack of regular small moments of intimacy. Grand gestures are akin to doing a big cleanup in your home when you leave it a mess every other day of the year.

Yes, you feel great afterwards. But if you have not developed the positive habits to keep your home tidy, it will soon be messy again.

The small moments of intimacy are points of connection that are joyful, thoughtful, present, caring, helpful, affectionate or flirtatious. With a little thought and commitment, small moments of intimacy can be done on a daily basis.

Some examples are holding hands, making your partner a cup of coffee, getting off the couch to greet them at the door, looking them in the eye, giving them a touch or a hug, sharing a smile, giving them a flirtatious look or compliment, doing a chore for them, and asking how their day was and giving your full attention to the answer.

How small moments of intimacy will make your relationship last

1. Small interactions build intimacy: The little things you do for one another every day build a deep sense of intimacy and bond between you and your partner. These gestures communicate that you value your partner and prioritise their happiness.

2. Small interactions show effort: Relationships take effort, and small interactions demonstrate effort. If you listen, offer a hug when needed, or drive your partner to an appointment without being asked, you demonstrate you care about your partner and are willing to put in the work to support them.

These efforts communicate ‘I value you’ and, in turn, lead to feeling valued.

3. Small interactions create positive associations: Positive associations are the mental connections you make between an experience and a feeling. Small, positive interactions with your partner create large positive associations for your relationship.

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Over time, these positive associations can sustain a relationship through tough times. The value of the relationship becomes larger than any difficult time you might have to endure.

4. Small positive interactions form habits: Any relationship will have moments of conflict or misunderstanding. However, if you have a habit of small, positive interactions, they will offset negative moments, making your relationship more secure.

When you develop a habit of showing affection, expressing gratitude or offering support, these acts become automatic, creating a strong foundation for the relationship.

Other benefits of small moments of intimacy

Relationships that last have a habit of small moments of intimacy which leads to faster conflict resolution and stronger feelings of care and being a team. For these couples, sitting with unresolved conflict becomes uncomfortable. They have a natural tendency to want to realign with one another because there is a habit of intimacy and this intimacy is positively associated with the relationship, positive mental health and growth.

This is an excerpt from The 8 Love Links - a guide to help you unlock the true potential of your love to forge a deeper, unbreakable connection.

Authors Shahn Baker Sorekli and Helen Robertson are experienced clinical psychologists and couples therapists with over 34 years of combined experience in the public mental health sector and private practice. They are the founders of Drummoyne Psychology – a successful private psychology practice in Sydney – where they have helped hundreds of couples to improve their relationships. They are also the creators of Australia's first fully synchronised couples coaching app, My Love Your Love.

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