Quotes of the Week: Criminal Minds, Daily Show, RHONJ, Evil, Y&R and More
Summer is winding down, but our trusty Quotes of the Week compilation continues!
In the list below, we’ve gathered more than a dozen of television’s most memorable sound bites from the past seven days, including scripted moments from cable, broadcast and streaming series.
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This time around, we’ve got bon mots and zingers from The View, Batman: Caped Crusader, The Daily Show, Kite Man: Hell Yeah! and The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Also featured in this week’s roundup: The Young and the Restless, Elite, Evil, Sistas and double doses of Last Week Tonight With John Oliver and Criminal Minds: Evolution.
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves! (With contributions from Vlada Gelman, Charlie Mason, Matt Webb Mitovich, Kimberly Roots, Ryan Schwartz and Andy Swift)
THE VIEW
“Do you need your friends to weigh in before you make a big life decision?”
“Well, a lot of my friends are dead now, so I’d need a séance.”
Whoopi Goldberg asked this question playfully, but Joy Behar answered seriously… dead seriously
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY
“I’m not saying we’re going to gumbaya out here.”
“Did you say ‘gumbaya’?”
“Yeah… This isn’t, ‘Hey, let’s all, like, gumbaya around a fire.’ This is going to be work-on-ourselves bootcamp.”
Dolores takes a page out of Teresa’s book of botched phrases
LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER
“For the record, [presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Kamala] Harris is not a ‘radical California leftist.’ She was a prosecutor. If Dick Wolf thinks your job is heroic and noble, chances are you’re not leading the revolution.”
Just in case you needed a reminder for how John Oliver feels about the Law & Order franchise…
LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER (Bonus Quote!)
“I’ve never seen someone with more couch f–ker energy. [J.D. Vance] looks like he watched the Tom Cruise Oprah interview and was jealous of Tom’s shoes. If you told me that his first celebrity crush was the plastic sofa from Everybody Loves Raymond, I’d believe you, without question. If you told me the reason you find coins between couch cushions is because J.D. Vance always leaves a tip, I’d be like, ‘Yeah, that sounds right.’”
THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS
“It’s probably for the best. We’ll get more work done without having you run up and down Champs-Élysées looking for a cafe with a children’s menu.”
Audra (Zuleyka Silver) isn’t exactly torn up about the fact that Kyle’s son won’t be going on their Parisian business trip
CRIMINAL MINDS: EVOLUTION
“I’ve had my career threatened by better politicians than you, David.”
“I’m not threatening your career.”
Rossi (Joe Mantegna) learns just how much Director Madison (Clark Gregg) withheld
CRIMINAL MINDS: EVOLUTION (Bonus Quote!)
“Oh, and Elias? You better pray that anything with my face on it stays hidden better than one of your little bunkers.”
JJ (A.J. Cook) slams closed the door on BAUGate
THE DAILY SHOW
“A hundred-thousand white women [mobilized for Kamala Harris]? That is a giant group of white women! I believe the scientific term is actually a goop of women.”
BATMAN: CAPED CRUSADER
“I’ve seen the society pages – you and some models, you and some movie stars. But Bruce, how many second dates do you have?”
“[Chuckles] Is this therapy, or church?”
Dr. Quinzel (Jamie Chung) questions Bruce’s (Hamish Linklater) superficial, almost made-up persona
ELITE (Episode 8)
“Is this a school or a daycare? These are teenagers? They’re all sort of so tiny, you know?”
“No, honey, they’re our age.”
Isadora (Valentina Zenere) and Sara (Carmen Arrufat) discover what teenagers are like at a public high school
TYLER PERRY’S SISTAS
“Your girl? Are you talking about Andi?”
“Nah, bitch, I’m talking about Adele. Me and her go way back to boarding school in London.”
Fatima (Crystal Renee Hayslett) doesn’t even try to hide how much she hates Tamara (Joi Symone), and we love that about her
EVIL
“This place costs $20,000 a month. I’m not going to pay for $20,000 h–djobs anymore.”
Kristen (Katja Herbers) lets her cheating husband know that his time at the psychiatric hospital is coming to a close
KITE MAN: HELL YEAH!
“[Lisa, reading Chuck’s note] Hey, babe. I’m in the ‘80s, gonna stop you from killing your parents BRB. P.S. Please DVR Young Sheldon.”
Even when time-traveling, Kite Man has his priorities – but also, couldn’t he just watch it on Max when he returns?
PARIS OLYMPICS
“These are canapés.”
“I thought that was Jell-O pudding. Or duck liver.”
Martha Stewart gives Snoop Dogg the five-cent tour of Le Cinq
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