The Real Housewives of Melbourne are back and better than ever

Jess McGuire

The brilliant Jess McGuire is here to recap the season four premiere of The Real Housewives of Melbourne.

Welcome to our very first Real Housewives Of Melbourne recap for Yahoo7 Be! RHOM, as those of us in the biz like to call it, is kicking off its fourth season, which means if you haven’t watched seasons 1 - 3 yet… oh look, it’s a bunch of rich ladies screaming obscenities at each other at assorted glamorous locations, and it’s brilliant. That’s probably all you need to know.

For those already across the only decent Australian branch of the Real Housewives franchise (sorry Sydney, but also, not sorry because you deserve to be shamed) but who wouldn’t mind a refresher before heading into a Season 4 recap, here’s what you need to know going in.

  • Last season Gina and Gamble had some ongoing tension over their differing expectations for their relatively new friendship!
  • Everyone was kinda mad at Lydia for making up lots of gossip about the Housewives and their partners\families!
  • Saint Chyka of Toorak voluntarily decided to leave the show!
  • Pettifleur and Susie decided somewhat less voluntarily to leave the show!
  • We can expect to see some new faces in Season 4 * some of them still under warranty!

Bring it on, you glorious wealthy she-beasts in heels.

I’ve missed you all so much, also is that LaToya Jackson? Source: Foxtel

We open with all the housewives giving us a rundown on where they’re currently at in life.

Gina lists everything she’s been up to presumably in order of priority (launching fragrances, a face care range, a fake tan range, and oh yeah, running a legal practice). She also bought a dog!

TeamNoodles 4 LYF. Source: Foxtel

Lydia has spent the entire break prowling Prahran Market in heels, and collaborating with a local grocer on a live independent theatrical adaptation of the Carry On films.

You just can’t get this kind of single-entendre heavy service at Coles these days. Source: Foxtel

Gamble and her Wolf Pup are rapidly approaching their first wedding anniversary - and I tell you what, they’re probably the last remaining couple keeping my faith in true love alive so they had better keep it up this season.

Wolf Pup is the #1 greatest Real Housewives romantic companion, surely? Source: Foxtel

What’s up with Jackie? Oh not much, just getting a little road rage-y driving down Smith St in Collingwood, hoping for a pregnancy later this year, and also planning to take her psychic readings on the road with something called a ‘Psychic Tour’.

Can’t believe a woman planning a ‘Psychic Tour’ didn’t see the guy who cut her off coming tbh. Source: Foxtel

Janet’s in, like, the BEST place! She’s seeing the man of her dreams! Her son is dating someone! The celebrity tea business is making bank! Everything’s wonderful!

There’s nothing more relaxing than just throwing your head back and smugly laughing at the thought of all the bitches who ever doubted you. Source: Foxtel

In an interesting development, we learn that Gina and Lydia have grown super close over the last year, after Lydia really stepped up to support Gina when her father passed away in the break between filming seasons. I don’t say many sincere things when talking about Real Housewives but it is genuinely moving to hear Gina talk of her grief and how supported she felt by someone we may not have expected would step up to the plate when cameras weren’t around.

Guess who wasn’t around? Gamble. Which is a great opportunity to revisit that time Gina dashed off to watch Celebrity Apprentice the night before Gamble’s wedding OH GOD NO DO WE HAVE TO, I AM SO SICK OF THAT STORY LINE

Precious mammaries. Source: Foxtel

Gamble and Rick are enjoying a spot of gardening in their newly purchased home, and Gamble shares with him that Gina has blocked her on Instagram because apparently Gamble posted a photo of the two of them in the desert with a Pokemon photoshopped in by a fan, and Gina took offense because it is well known that she looks like a Pokemon, also WHAT? I have NFI what Gamble is banging on about but I 100% wish to see these photos she speaks of.

Pokemon: not even once. Source: Foxtel

Look, isn’t it time we stopped rehashing old feuds and starting meeting the people who will likely start new ones? Folks, please welcome one of two new Housewives joining the cast… friend of Gina’s (not a euphemism, alas) and glamorous law person… Venus Behbahani-Clark!

Absolutely fabulous. Source: Foxtel

Venus recently married James Clark… ahem, I mean LORD James Clark. He has a “Lord of the Manor” title that he legit inherited, Venus assures us, and by that I think she means “He inherited it off his grandfather who bought it off the internet”.

She likes to buy her tables from Dubai, and her contact lenses from Whitewalkers. Source: Foxtel

It’s time to prep for the Logies, and Janet has invited her BFF Jackie over to get ready at Janet’s boyfriend’s house because it’s nice to mix up the location shoots sometimes. Janet tells Jackie that she’s also invited Gamble over to get ready with them as Gamble seems a bit lonely these days, and Jackie announces that she AIN'T spendin' any time on it, because in the meantime, every three months, a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland.

Let there be a thousand blossoms bloom. Source: Foxtel

Jackie’s actual non-Katterised response is now my new life mantra: “I've got better things to worry about, like having sex every day and seeing what the gods do for me”. Indeed!

Gamble arrives at Chez Janet’s Boyfriend and the ladies begin to catch up over a glass of champagne - talk invariably turns to the state of her relationship with Gina, and that’s when Jackie steps in it by asking Gamble if she’s been invited to Gina’s upcoming dinner with the “girls”.

“Never have I ever… been snubbed by Gina.” Source: Foxtel

At this point, I’m beginning to suspect that tonight’s reunion at the Logies is going to be super awkward because no doubt it’ll be dominated by Gamble and Gina’s estrangement, but I could never have anticipated what would happen next.

TFW you realise you don’t have front teeth anymore. Source: Foxtel

Poor Gamble has her FRONT TEETH knocked out by a rogue microphone while being interviewed on the Logies red carpet, and let me assure you as someone who has been a member of the assembled press along said red carpet, that is the single most interesting thing to ever happen there.

Gina is compassionate toward Gamble at the Logies - but unfortunately for Gamble, a gummy smile is just not enough to earn her an invitation to the girls dinner where she would’ve met Venus for the first time.

And you just KNOW Gamble will have a few things to say about Venus. Source: Foxtel

Because it is going to be a major plotline in this year’s show, at the dinner gathering we quickly return to the topic of Gina and Gamble’s deteriorating friendship, and Gina makes a point of insisting to everyone that the two of them were never that close - “We weren't married, we weren't lovers” - and declares that Gamble is a bit too full on and demanding.

Shortly afterwards, a gift of red roses arrives at the table from Gamble with a note saying, "Dear Gina, I would never have excluded you from my table. Have a great night, love to the girls... Gamble.”

Oh boy. This is not going to do much to change Gina’s opinion that you’re acting like a crazed ex-boyfriend, Gamble.

RIP Gamble + Gina’s BFF status. Source: Foxtel

See you next week!

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