Shopping for a laugh? Here are 12 of the funniest Amazon customer reviews

We'll start off with something cute-funny — adorable, really — from this devoted wife. "Up until I found these little wonders, I had to hold the sauce cup for my husband because it was too difficult for him to safely drive and dip. I wasn't going to risk lives over ranch-dipped nuggies," she said. "These are saving my aching arms because I have a ranch-obsessed husband. Also, my worries of his ranch dipping ways while he is driving alone are now over!" 

The moral of this story? If you've found someone to hold your dipping sauce while you drive, don't let them go!

Yes, it's a bidet attachment, so finding rib-tickling takes is like shooting fish in a barrel ... or a toilet. Sometimes, simple and succinct is best, like this shoulda-been brand slogan: "A life changer — do your ass a favor and get one." 

While we're in the proverbial neighborhood ... This 9-to-5-er's office is located opposite the loo, and they've clearly got a nose for quality products. "[It] almost entirely eliminates the poop smell — it's even good for stinky pee (asparagus for dinner?)." 

Lucky for us, her olfactory observations don't end there: "By the time I notice a faint pleasant smell, the pooper has already made their way back to their office, as opposed to exiting in a billow of chemical floral-and-feces smell. And it dissipates so fast — almost a shame, as it really is a nice smell. I have actually had people come into my office and ask what that nice smell is. I say 'Oh, someone just pooped.'"

"Solid warmth, but not too hot. Also doubles as a great fort-building blanket." So far, so good, right? 

Then, however, this ca-ca-conscious caballero noted: "Only drawback is when it's crumpled on the couch, it looks like it has poop stains." Thanks a lot — now we can't look at it and not think that!

Wasn't this product a character on Pee-Wee's Playhouse? We'll confess that sometimes we're laughing at the reviewers, not with them (is that wrong?), as in the case of this — for some reason — repeat customer. 

"I purchased Clocky for my son last Christmas and this Christmas," he said. "Both times I opened the package, put the batteries in and nothing happened. Total junk. Buyer beware — this product sucks. Cute concept, but what a piece of crap." The title of his review? "Purchased 2. Neither worked." What's that they say about the definition of insanity?

Frankly, we'd always thought the very existence of something called a "motivational water bottle" was the funniest thing about this product. Then we met this hyped-up hydrater: "It's so much easier to get my water intake in," she reported. "In fact, I might be drinking water too quickly, as it's only noon but I'm at the 5 p.m. mark already." 

Sadly, at 8 p.m. that day, she was found drowned in her cubicle. 

We're kidding, of course.

No, really, it happened.  

Oh, of course it's a joke.

Seriously ... she's dead.  

"This is one of 5-10 purchases I made in my life that made me feel dumb," began this ornery opus. "These are nothing — no value, no effect, just a waste of your money. I waited about a year or more to make sure they work, and that's another waste of my life. Every time I see these useless bags hanging, I smile and feel stupid." Finally, he concluded: "They just sit there and make you look dumb." 

Ow, that smarts! (See what we did there?)

There's nothing like a partner's restless sleep to turn a caring spouse into a fed-up crankypants. "Had to give my husband a pillow to prevent us from getting a divorce," said this longtime sufferer. "Will buy more!" 

According to one worked-up wife, these pillows were the only thing standing between her and a homicide charge: "My husband ... snores a lot quieter since we got these pillows, which makes me not want to smother him in his sleep anymore. So basically, these awesome pillows saved my marriage."

We don't know whether to say "What were you thinking?" or "Thank you!" to the folks at Bic for creating these "girly pens" ... and provoking some truly inspired takes. The snark is especially strong with this one: "I got these pens ... to write anti-feminist articles. Really, I thought if I bought them I might actually get good at things like vacuuming and washing dishes and decorating." Alas, she added, "The pens work great but I'm still not very good at homemaking. Dang."

Here's one from a dude who bought a pair in a pinch: "The problem was that as soon as I started using them, my paychecks were cut by 18.9%! I found my boss slapping my backside and calling me 'sweetie,' which I admit was somewhat pleasant, but it did vaguely occur to me that maybe that shouldn’t be happening in the workplace." And boy, did he "lean into" the experience! "I bleached my hair blonde within [a] few weeks, and my boss likes me much better now. When I sit and take dictation for him, I find him sometimes ogling my ever-expanding man boobs."

Sam Austen (no relation to Jane, we presume) has crafted a one-of-a-kind work. It consists, per Amazon's description, of "the word meow repeated over 80,000 times." 

Reviewers got the joke, and responded in kind. "A must-read. A masterpiece, even," said one of them. "The single greatest literary work since the invention of the printing press." 

Another bibliophile rhapsodized: "What finally got me was in the third chapter about halfway through when everything started [to come] together; the storyline was superb and the contents was beyond ... moving. It made you stop and think, Wow, really, how could this happen? Literally, it's a soul-moving event." 

Gertrude Stein, however, was less impressed, saying, "Jeez, it's repetitive." 

The concept of "humans sleeping like dogs" is enough to spawn a cottage industry of comic japery. However, this sassy slumberer, this Rabelais of the review section, went a different way ... and wowed us: "I bought this human dog bed because my guy's bed is horribly stiff and he takes up 90% of it anyway, just to swear that I'm taking up too much space. ... He also snores like a prehistoric cave behemoth. Who needs a vibrator when your man snores like an overweight Grizzly who's smoked three packs of unfiltered Camels a day for the past 40 years and gargles running chain saws in his sleep? Honestly, the dog bed is so comfortable ... It's amazing ... F&$# his bed."

"For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana." Thus begins this "con"-firmed classic. "'Use a knife!' they say. Well, my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. 'Shoot it with a gun!' Background check ... Hello! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands — 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed." 

And now he's an aspiring Sondheim: "No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity toward thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story." He concluded, "Banana slicer, thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon."