Vinnie Jones feels he's "just hanging around" until he's reunited with his late wife.
The 55-year-old actor lost his wife Tanya to cancer in July 2019, and Vinnie now believes he's only "half-living" as he waits to be reunited with her.
In an extract from his memoir, 'Lost Without You' - which has been published in The Sun newspaper - Vinnie explained: "I sometimes tell people that I'm just waiting to be reunited with Tans. I suppose in some ways I'm just hanging around, half-living, until I get to see her again.
"Everyone tries to talk me out of it - 'You're not old, Vin,' they say, 'You're healthy, you have lots of time left.'
"But it's how I feel some days. I'm just waiting, kicking my heels, passing the time, keeping busy, hitting f****** golf balls into a sea of sadness.
"Grief is like that: a great, heavy weight, heavier than any element, so heavy it can sink through the table and the floor and through the basement of the house and down into the deep rock.
"And some days, it takes you with it. And it's on those days that I tell people I'm just waiting to be reunited with Tanya Jones."
Vinnie - who married Tanya in 1994 - is determined to "be a good person" and to make his late wife proud of him.
The former soccer star said: "The way I'm looking at it is this: she's up there now, sitting there, looking down on us, so I try to be a good person.
"I know I have a reputation for some of the things I've done, but you've no idea how much I've changed.
"A lot of the time I'll try to do something good for people, and when I do good things, I feel her smiling. I know that smile - I lived with it for 27 years."