April Fools: TV’s 30+ Biggest Buffoons From Ghosts, Friends, Taxi, The Office and More
Is April Fools’ Day the most annoying day on the internet? Maybe. (YES.) So rather than add to the noisy clutter, we’re keeping things light by commemorating some of TV’s dopiest, yet lovable characters ever.
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To be clear, this list isn’t meant as an insult. Most of the characters on this list are kind-hearted, generous and (unintentionally) hilarious, and we love them all! But we have to admit: They do say things that make us want to shake our heads in disbelief. (Dorothy Zbornak knows where we’re coming from here.)
So in celebration of the most juvenile of holidays, we’re looking back through decades of television history and singling out 32 of the small screen’s biggest nitwits, ranking them from smartest (by default) to dumbest (based on their presumed overall IQs). Those deemed the most empty-headed range from a slow-speaking office employee to a ’70s stoner and an animated mouse. We’ve also got a TV newsman and a couple of barkeeps among our ranks, proving that sometimes all it takes is people skills and affability to make it big in this world.
Scroll down to view our picks for the tube’s dumbest April Fools, then hit the comments to tell us which numbskulls we may have forgotten.
32. The Deep, The Boys
The supe isn’t the brightest crayon in Vought’s arsenal, and his sexual preferences disturbingly lean toward mollusks (or more precisely, octopus). And yet, we can’t help but be amused by The Deep’s boneheaded attempts for approval, even when we’re horrified by his proclivity for bestiality.
31. Eric, Boy Meets World/Girl Meets World
Mr. Matthews (or should we say Plays With Squirrels?) would rank higher, but he did somehow manage to become mayor of St. Upid Town, and later a New York senator, during Season 2 of the Boy Meets World spinoff.
30. Kevin, The Office
With a lumbering brain to match his lumbering physique, it’s a little surprising that Dunder Mifflin’s slow-witted accountant was able to hold down a job that involved precision with numbers.
29. Billy, The Thundermans
What this super-fast superhero lacks in smarts, he more than makes up for in speed. Unfortunately, though, Barb and Hank’s perpetually stymied son will never run fast enough to catch a clue.
28. Matthew, NewsRadio
Painfully gullible and violently clumsy, WNYX’s resident punching bag probably lost more than a few brain cells thanks to all the pratfalls he took on a weekly basis.
27. Waldo, Family Matters
The dopey yin to Steve Urkel’s dorky yang, Waldo was always ready with a painfully dense observation that made Eddie’s head hurt. But in Waldo’s empty head, it was all “cool.”
26. Billy Sparks, Young Sheldon
The Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper told us that Billy was his childhood bully — but Brenda’s loggerheaded son wouldn’t hurt a fly. Or know how to hurt a fly. Aside from his chicken coop (and his unrequited crush on Missy), he doesn’t have a care — or a thought — in the world.
25. Andy, Parks and Recreation
This lovable lunkhead was as sweet and loyal as a Golden Retriever… and about as bright as one, too. He could reenact the heck out of Road House, though.
24. Ted, The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Of all people, WJM’s empty-headed anchorman should have known that “you don’t have to be witty or clever as long as you can hire someone who is.”
23. Spencer, iCarly
There’s a thin line between genius and madness, and savant artist Spencer Shay proudly lives his life with one foot on each side. How any court of law allowed him to serve as his teenage sister’s guardian is beyond us, but at least it makes for good TV.
22. Kelso, That ’70s Show
Good thing this guy was handsome enough to be a Sears catalog model, because he truly was dumber than a box of pet rocks.
21. Luanne, King of the Hill
Oh, bless her heart. That’s about all you can say for this sweet-as-pie, dumb-as-dirt beauty school dropout. A cult tried to recruit her once… but you can’t brainwash someone who doesn’t have a brain.
20. Alex, Happy Endings
Her statement “I’m not as dumb as I am” pretty much sums up this incredibly dim ray of sunshine. But to be fair, she could take down a rack of ribs like nobody’s business.
19. Patrick, SpongeBob SquarePants
The sheer nonsensical stupidity of SpongeBob’s bestie is one of his most endearing qualities. And before you doubt that anyone can actually be dumb enough to ask if mayonnaise is an instrument, please remember that Patrick literally lives under a rock.
18. Trent, Never Have I Ever
Paxton’s thimble-brained bestie might not have had a high enough IQ to even SPELL IQ, but his heart was always in the right place. As he’d be quick to tell you, beneath his abs.
17. Smitty, The Rookie
Perhaps not the biggest fool — after all, he did serve 22 years in the LAPD without incident — but Officer Quigley Smitty is a T.O. that will bore you to death, he apparently created QAnon, and he can’t even “play dirty” properly to get re-elected union rep.
16. Pinky, Animaniacs/Pinky and the Brain
Narf! As brilliant and conniving as his cage mate The Brain was, that’s how dumb this goofy animated mouse was. And no, he was never pondering what Brain was pondering.
15. Roland, Schitt’s Creek
The mayor of the Podunk town that the Roses called home was such a troglodyte that drinking a six-pack in one sitting — heck, one GULP — couldn’t make him any more cretinous.
14. Brittany, Glee
The former Cheerio earned her spot on this list a hundred times over. But really, she could’ve quit trying after uttering the classic: “Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?”
13. Summer, Girls5eva
When it comes to Girls5eva’s reunited girl group, well, there’s a lot of lovable idiocy abound. Since we had to narrow it down to just one, Busy Phillips’ Summer (aka the “hot one”) takes the cake. She did, after all, name her daughter after her favorite non-nutritive sweetener, and that merely scratches the surface of how Summer’s brain (barely) operates.
12. Dylan, Modern Family
“I never play dumb!” Haley’s equally dippy on-again/off-again boyfriend once declared in all earnestness. And by God, we believed him.
11. Flower, Ghosts
Flower (né Susan Montero) is kindhearted and cheerful, but let’s be serious: All that weed has gotten to her brain. (Don’t do drugs, kids! Or attempt to hug bears, for that matter.) But does she add warmth and groovy giggles to Ghosts’ stellar ensemble? You bet.
10. Gilligan, Gilligan’s Island
Coconuts have more sense than did the S.S. Minnow‘s First Mate. Yet he was so darned lovable that the Skipper still thought of him as his little buddy.
9. Charlie, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
All those years of huffing paint must’ve taken a serious toll on the brainpower of this Paddy’s Pub employee, who quite literally cannot read. If you need an expert in bird law, though, he’s your man.
8. Coach and Woody, Cheers
We put these two birdbrained bartenders together because, honestly, they might not even add up to an average IQ combined. Poor Coach could at least blame advancing age and a lot of beanballs for his failing noggin. What’s Woody’s excuse?
7. Kelly, Married… With Children
Though this airhead watched Looney Tunes like it was a documentary, she also argued that all blondes aren’t dumb, “that’s just a stereo system.” Which really didn’t help her case.
6. Reverend Jim, Taxi
We have just six words for you, regarding Christopher Lloyd’s iconic stoner: “Whaaaaaat…. does… a…. yellow light… mean?“
5. Rose, The Golden Girls
It only takes one or two of her countless tales about St. Olaf to realize that this retiree ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed.
4. Jason, The Good Place
Oh dip! This list just wouldn’t feel complete without our favorite Jacksonville DJ on it. After all, a doctor did say that his brain was “smooth as an egg,” and he firmly believed that any problem could be solved by chucking a Molotov cocktail at it.
3. Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons
We might feel bad about suggesting that Bart and Lisa’s classmate isn’t the sharpest crayon in the box — if he wasn’t so likely to have eaten the crayons.
2. Joey, Friends
Whether the pizza-loving himbo was a little stupid or a lot simple is, as he’d have put it, “a moo point.” His inclusion on this list was a, um, no-brainer.
1. Chrissy, Three’s Company
A walking dumb-blonde joke, Jack and Janet’s roomie was the kind of space cadet who thought rugs needed shampooing only if — wait for it — they had dandruff. Ba-DUMB-bum!
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