The Ashes: The worst combined Australia/England XI ever

There have been many great players during the 135 years of Ashes contests. Then there have been some not so great performers, those men who lost their nerve, just weren’t good enough or who for whatever reason just never managed to raise their game against the old enemy.

There are plenty of options when it comes to picking a team of underwhelming Ashes protagonists, indeed you could easily name an XI from both countries.

But, for reasons of fairness, here’s our combined worst Ashes team…

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Dennis Amiss (England)

Ashes Tests: 11; Runs: 305; Average: 15.25.

The Warwickshire batsman had a fine Test career, scoring 11 centuries in 50 matches and averaging 46.30. However, his record against Australia was miserable, starting with a pair at Old Trafford in 1968 and seven more ducks in 21 Ashes innings. Amiss performed well against the great West Indian fast-bowling attacks of his era but struggled to counter the pace of Australia’s Dennis Lillee and Jeff Thomson.

Mike Brearley (England, captain)

Ashes Tests: 19; Runs: 798; Average: 22.80.

The erudite Cambridge University graduate enjoyed great success against Australia as captain, leading England to series wins in 1977, 1978-79 and, most famously, 1981, when he regained the captaincy ahead of the fabled third Test at Headingley following Ian Botham’s resignation. Brearley is rightly regarded as England’s finest captain. So, it’s lucky his poor record with the bat in Ashes cricket – and no hundreds in 39 Tests overall – means we can pick him to lead this team.

Gary Ballance (England)

Ashes Tests: 3; Runs: 123; Average: 20.50.

The Zimbabwe-born batsman made a decent start to life in Test cricket after a difficult debut in the final Test of England’s 2013-14 whitewash Down Under. But that early promise has long given way to stagnation and Ballance can count himself fortunate to be on this winter’s tour given his Test average over the past year is 13.62. The 27-year-old has still failed to address the technical weaknesses in his batting that were exposed by Australia’s attack during the 2015 series in England, when Ballance was dropped after the second Test at Lord’s.

Rob Key (England)

Ashes Tests: 4; Runs: 141; Average: 17.62.

The Kent batsman might have enjoyed a fine England career had things gone his way. That wasn’t the case, though, and he can count himself unlucky his four Ashes appearances all came away from home on the punishing 2002-03 tour that saw Nasser Hussain’s England outclassed 4-1 by an Australian team in its pomp. A fighting half-century in Melbourne was Key’s Ashes highlight but his overall record just wasn’t good enough.

Michael Bevan (Australia)

Ashes Tests: 6; Runs: 124; Average: 11.27.

One of the world’s greatest one-day batsmen, Bevan could not manage the step up to Test cricket despite the fact he was being drafted into one of the best teams in history. Dropped after three matches of his maiden Ashes series at home in 1994-95, Bevan was again axed three Tests in when given another opportunity on Australia’s 1997 tour of England. Overall, he returned single-figure scores in eight of his 11 Ashes innings.

Usman Afzaal (England)

Ashes Tests: 3; Runs: 83; Average: 16.60.

Australian captain Steve Waugh was unimpressed when he saw debutant Afzaal turn up for the opening match of the 2001 Ashes at Edgbaston in a sports car. The left-hander, whose weight caused issues with then coach Duncan Fletcher, was dropped after scoring just six runs in England’s innings defeat but found himself back in the team for the last two matches of the series. Despite scoring 54 in the final Test at The Oval, Afzaal never played for England again.

Tim Zoehrer (Australia, wicketkeeper)

Ashes Tests: 4; Runs: 102; Average: 17; Catches: 10.

The Western Australian’s sole Ashes series came in 1986/87 when Mike Gatting’s England famously won after being written off by journalist Martin Johnson before the first Test as a team who “can’t bat, can’t bowl and can’t field”. The wicketkeeper, whose top score against England was 38, did not play another Test after that series but was understudy to Ian Healy on Australia’s successful 1989 and 1993 Ashes tours.

Craig White (England)

Ashes Tests: 7; Runs: 192; Average: 16; Wickets: 15; Average: 48.06.

Born in Yorkshire but brought up in Australia, White played against his adopted country seven years after he made his Test debut in 1994. But it wasn’t worth the wait as the all-rounder struggled during three Tests of the 2001 Ashes and again on the 2002-03 tour of Australia. White symbolised England’s predilection for ‘bits and pieces’ players and the chaos of selection that stunted their progress from the mid-90s to early noughties.

Doug Bollinger (Australia)

Ashes Tests: 1; Wickets: 1; Average: 130.

Australia’s 2010-11 Ashes team was branded the “worst ever” by the Sydney Morning Herald after they succumbed to a first home series defeat by England in 24 years. And the hosts’ muddled selection was summed up by Bollinger, who far from offering up any champagne moments, produced performances that were more akin to a flat glass of Liebfraumilch. Dropped after the second match of the series in Adelaide, the seam bowler, affectionately known as ‘Doug the rug’ thanks to his artificial thatch, never played Test cricket again.

Xavier Doherty (Australia)

Ashes Tests: 2; Wickets: 3; Average: 102.

Of his three Ashes wickets, Doherty can at least claim the notable scalp of Kevin Pietersen. The only problem for Australia, though, was that by the time the left-arm spinner had struck, Pietersen had already scored a match-defining double hundred that helped England to victory in the second Test of the 2010-11 series in Adelaide. Doherty was one of a succession of spinners Australia used to try and fill the void left by Shane Warne’s retirement in 2007. The Tasmanian wasn’t the answer.

Simon Kerrigan (England)

Ashes Tests: 1; Wickets: 0.

With the Ashes already won, England handed a surprise Test debut to the Lancashire left-arm spinner in the final match of the 2013 series at The Oval. But what could have been a dream start to life in international cricket rapidly descended into a nightmare as Kerrigan froze on the big stage and produced one of the worst Test debuts ever seen, shipping 53 from eight overs. It’s no surprise he has not been seen in Test cricket since.