Billie Eilish Says She's Been 'Grieving' the 2019 Version of Herself: 'She Got Drowned by the World'

"This whole process has felt like I'm coming back to the girl that I was," said Eilish of making her upcoming album, 'Hit Me Hard and Soft'

At age 22, Billie Eilish is rediscovering her place in the world.

In a new cover story interview with Rolling Stone, the Grammy and Oscar winner opened up about making her upcoming album, Hit Me Hard and Soft, and how the process made her miss the 2019 version of herself.

"I feel like this album is me," Eilish told the outlet. "It’s not a character. It feels like the When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? version of me. It feels like my youth and who I was as a kid."

Related: Billie Eilish on Coming to Terms with Her Sexuality Last Year — and Why She Never Planned to Talk About It

The musician's career launched around 2016 with singles like "Six Feet Under" and "Ocean Eyes," but her profile truly skyrocketed with her 2018 album, When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?, which spawned hits including "Bad Guy," "When the Party's Over" and "You Should See Me in a Crown."

Eilish didn't expect to experience massive success and multiple Grammy wins in her debut era, and while the time period was overwhelming, she now looks back on it as "the best time of my life."

"This whole process has felt like I’m coming back to the girl that I was," she said of making Hit Me Hard and Soft, set for a May 17 release. "I’ve been grieving her. I’ve been looking for her in everything, and it’s almost like she got drowned by the world and the media. I don’t remember when she went away."

Related: Billie Eilish Recalls Suffering Debilitating Depression Last Summer: 'I've Never Been a Happy Person'

Depression has been part of Eilish's life for a long time, but she told Rolling Stone her low mental health felt "realer than it's ever been" during summer 2023. "My whole life, I’ve never been a happy person, really. I’ve been a joyous person, but not a happy person," she said.

"I’ve suffered with a lot of depression my whole life," added Eilish. "When things happen in my soul, or whatever, the thing I’ve always held on to is ‘Well, it’ll pass. It’ll come in waves and it’ll get worse and it’ll get better.’ And that’s always brought me comfort. And this time, I literally was like, ‘I don’t care. I don’t even want it to get better.’"

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Related: Billie Eilish Says Her Favorite Way to Decompress Is 'Sex': 'That S--- Can Really, Really Save You Sometimes'

Family helped her get through the difficult moments, and Eilish eventually "hit a turning point," realizing she hadn't left the house on her own in years — and needed to. "I had this moment of like, ‘Oh, my God, I haven’t had fun in seven years.’ Truly," she explained, noting that her career was busy, but her life was not. "I didn’t go outside for five years. How was I supposed to have any experiences?"

For the first time in a while, she began venturing out to grocery stories, concerts, parties and other shops — which was a big deal, considering she'd long felt "afraid" of what could happen outside her home.

"It’s just scary for somebody like me, and even if it’s not scary, it means being on and being vulnerable and being seen and being filmed and whatever. But with that all in mind, I have been choosing to do the thing that scares me more," said Eilish.

Elsewhere in the Rolling Stone article, she recalled a piece of advice John Mayer gave her around the peak of her rise to fame in 2019. "I remember him saying, ‘It feels like it’s going to feel like that forever, but it will go away, and in a way you want to take it in, because it will cool off, and people won’t act like she’s Bigfoot when they see her,'" Eilish said.

"That really stuck with me, because I was like, ‘No, it is going to feel like this forever, and everywhere I go, people are going to look at me like they just saw a ghost,'" added the singer. "If I do it right, I can exist."

If you or someone you know needs mental health help, text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.

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