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The Explosive ‘Real Housewives of Miami’ Finale Proves It’s Bravo’s Hidden Gem

Photo Illustration by Thomas Levinson/The Daily Beast/Getty/Bravo
Photo Illustration by Thomas Levinson/The Daily Beast/Getty/Bravo

Few reality shows boast the sheer charisma required to balance the emotional weight of a cancer storyline and the blissful absurdity of a cast member spreading biting rumors. The Real Housewives of Miami isn’t just any reality show, though. It’s the cream of the crop.

And tonight’s finale exemplified that wonderfully, as the show capped another great season with a finale party celebrating Adriana’s new song with Emilio Estefan. Thank you to whichever NBCUniversal executives decided to resurrect The Real Housewives of Miami. Actually, curse the forces that took this beautiful show away from us 10 years ago, and the Bravo fanbase that continues to neglect such a gem.

In the modern Housewives era, solo plotlines run pretty thin, but RHOM has managed to balance six full timers and three heavily featured friends expertly. The finale starts with another scintillating episode of the can’t miss podcast Separation Anxiety, hosted by paramours Larsa Pippen and Marcus Jordan.

It’s a timely scene, given the couple’s post-season break up and make up last week. Maybe they really do have separation anxiety, and their day apart was too much to bear. Or maybe, rival podcasters Alexia Nepola and Marysol Patton are right and it’s all a publicity stunt.

Back to the Larsa scene at hand, Marcus is in the hot seat after his dad, Michael Jordan, told paparazzi he doesn’t approve of their relationship. Marcus finds it funny, but Larsa doesn’t really see the humor in it, especially not after she was grilled by Kiki and Adriana last week.

Larsa Pippen and Marcus Jordan.

Larsa Pippen and Marcus Jordan.

Bravo

“I don’t ever want to be the problem in like, you know, like with your parents, like that’s not a vibe,” Larsa says, profoundly. What does it say about me that I kind of want to stream this podcast?

Meanwhile, Guerdy has exited her week-long bedrest following the tumultuous Mexico City trip. Meeting with Nicole, Guerdy says Adriana’s upcoming party might be her last date night for a while, as she starts chemotherapy shortly after. And she’s ready to stir the pot before her hiatus, after Larsa told the press that Guerdy bit her in Mexico. Now, Guerdy did bite her, and I have no idea why, but it’s a hilariously daft move by Larsa to throw away her newfound goodwill with Guerdy.

In a confessional, Guerdy gives a valuable lesson in being a good friend. One of those steps is to “have compassion and grace,” something Larsa isn’t well versed in, so that’s a wrap there.

Over at Alexia’s new apartment, the Miami matriarch sits down with her eldest son, Peter, to discuss estate planning and what will happen to her son Frankie if she dies. Although Frankie’s dad is still alive, he can’t take in his son due to “his situation,” which is code for “he is a registered sex offender after committing sexual battery of a minor.” So, the best bet is Peter then. Poor Frankie. I hope and pray for Alexia’s continued health, for both our entertainment and also to keep Frankie from that depressing hypothetical.

Next, we get a visit from Lisa’s mom and aunt. This is an exciting moment for Lisa Hochstein lore; it’s the first time we’ve ever met any characters of her pre-Lenny extended universe. We know very little about Lisa’s life before RHOM, but she reveals that her mom purposely stayed away due to a frigid relationship with Lenny. While it’s yet another scene of Lisa complaining about Lenny, at least the subjects of her rant are new. When all your friends are tired of your diatribes, call up your mom. We’ve all been there.

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We check in with Julia at her farm, with everyone’s favorite friend-of and the queen of Miami, Adriana. The two eat some of Julia’s jam, which she’s hoping to put on the market for $30 a can. Luckily, Adriana is there to be the voice of reason, for once, letting Julia know no one would buy $30 jam.

I was struck by Julia’s immediate response to Adriana’s shock at the price tag, as she asks “That’s not enough?” Oh Julia, your mind amazes me. To think, for even a second, that someone would be shocked that jam is only $30 is something else. It’s one can of jam, Adriana. What could it cost, $30?

Since Adriana is the calmest, most rational cast member, she’s worried her association with her more dramatic cast members might turn off Emilio Estefan. On the other hand, Julia is worried of how her wife Martina Navritalova will take the news that she got yet another pet, this time a pig named Houdini.

Every Adriana and Julia scene is something that would cause the cast of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to combust if they had to experience even a quarter of it. These two are so wonderfully bizarre.

Before she can celebrate Adriana’s Havana Nights music launch party, Guerdy shaves her head in preparation for chemo, with help from her husband Russell. She hasn’t been able to control any aspect of this cancer journey, so she decided to shave her head on her own terms, she says.

It’s so rare to see a marriage on the Real Housewives that’s genuine and full of love, and the scene is very touching. I have to give Guerdy big props for this season, as it can’t be easy to fight about petty drama while you’re facing such horrifying uncertainty. Imagine you’re going through deep turmoil and Larsa Pippen shows up blinking and asking how you know. That’s not for the faint of heart.

As Adriana prepares for the party, she gets a call from none other than Marysol, who’s in Scotland for her vow renewal. Although the two started the season on horrible terms, Marysol wants to congratulate Adriana on her performance, offering hope for reconciliation. The cynical part of me thinks Marysol just wanted to snag herself some finale screentime, but either way, I’m all for it. Post-season, Marysol has accused Adriana of sacrilegious behavior, so the ceasefire appears to be over.

Guerdy Abraira and Nicole Martin.

Guerdy Abraira and Nicole Martin.

Bravo

While those two are able to bury the hatchet, Guerdy and Larsa’s feud only escalates. Larsa’s immediately in the hot seat upon arriving, as the women are still confused over Michael Jordan slamming her relationship despite her insistence he approves. Then, Guerdy pokes at her further, calling Larsa out for being fake. Although they’d called a truce in Mexico, Larsa telling the press she was bitten has eradicated their movement forward, Guerdy says.

Larsa feels like she can’t with Guerdy, though.

“You bit me on the gondola ride, and you know what, oh it’s my fault. You bit me and you’re mad at me,” Larsa says, before doubling down in her confessional that Guerdy’s “always looking for a reason to be mad at me.”

When you think the worst is over, Larsa decides to throw an even more insensitive bomb on the situation. Rather than apologizing, Larsa yells at Guerdy to go take care of her health. I don’t even think Lisa Barlow would wage war against her cancer stricken castmate, but Larsa is just that dense. Next season, she’s going to feud with Nicole’s unborn baby. And I’m on her side!

The scene continues to escalate when Lisa enters the fray, both her and Julia screaming randomly, leading to utter chaos. But Guerdy keeps the attention on her when she yanks off her wig and hat, revealing her newly shaved head. It’s a telenovela moment to remind the ladies she’s got more pressing matters than relitigating who bit whom to PageSix.

Somehow, Larsa continues fighting. It’s almost admirable watching her bulldoze her way through this scene with such a charisma to her vapidity. It gets to a point where Russell inserts himself, and I’m not sure he’s said more than eight words in his three-season run prior to this. Retrieving his wife, he and Guerdy exit the party, chased after by a screaming hyena named Lisa. The tag team from hell that is Larsa and Lisa is something to behold. Even Alexia realizes the bad optics here, and she is the queen of bad optics.

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It’s a triumphant victory for Guerdy, who I’ve been ambivalent on since she joined the show in Season 4. I’m kind of shocked it took her and Larsa this long to come to blows, but I hope they never make up. Their feud is so deeply absurd and I’d watch endless one-on-one sit downs between the two. Both ladies can pour themselves another mojito and join us back next season.

With the drama put to rest, it’s time for the grand event of the episode: Adriana’s performance. But first, Nicole’s dad and the editors accost us with his very visible dick print. Considering he died after filming the season, it’s certainly something that his last moment on RHOM is roaming around a party fully hard, but I imagine he’d want it no other way. Rest in peace, sir.

Now, it’s time for Adriana to debut her new song, “Muevelo (Move It).” It’s a bop, no surprise. Adriana is three for three and still the best Real Housewife in the music scene. Sorry to Candiace, I do love “Drive Back,” but “Feel the Rush” is forever atop the pyramid.

After all, only an icon can host the finale party as a friend-of, and Adriana is a Housewives legend. I’ll never understand why she isn’t holding a mojito, but that’s just the cruel world we live in. It genuinely chills me to my core that the reboot newbies are now tied for Adriana in full-time seasons, and will surpass her next year.

Despite the immense drama leading up to the performance, the women are all smiles at the end of the night. Adriana’s music is transcendent, and it heals. They toast with mojitos, of course, to cap another great season, and Kiki sneaks in a witty fourth wall break.

“Finally, I got a mojito, people!”

Don’t be surprised if that foreshadows a Kiki full-time promotion next year. After three seasons of the same, Miami’s in for a slight reshuffle, and Kiki certainly deserves her shot at a full-time run. Is it a coincidence she’s getting her first-ever Watch What Happens Live appearance Wednesday night after the finale?

The Beautiful ‘Real Housewives of Miami’ Moment That Will Make You Cry

The season closes out with the usual updates, providing some hints at next season plotlines. Guerdy’s finally cancer-free, while Nicole is pregnant with baby number two. Julia, too, hopes to restart her adoption journey, now that Martina’s cancer is behind her. Meanwhile, Kiki has a new man in Los Angeles. As for Larsa, she’s still yet to come face-to-face with Michael Jordan—but don’t worry, the paparazzi will be there as soon as they do.

Perhaps the most foreboding update comes for Alexia, who just bought a Ferrari and vacationed in Italy “contrary to rumors about her finances.” If she really is the Miami Teresa Giudice, this can’t be good. Godspeed, Alexia.

Things are only looking up for Miami. It’s been a great season, further proving RHOM is the most consistent Housewives franchise. And it’s one known for chaotic, beautiful reunions. The reunion will see a brutal fallout between Alexia and Larsa, while Adriana’s written a poem for Alexia, which we can only hope will top last year’s masterful letter from Marysol’s liver. Looks like we’re in for a three-part feast.

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