Johns busted smuggling vodka into mass
Matthew Johns has revealed the hilarious story of a recent attempt to spark some fun into mass.
Never one to enjoy a quiet and respectful religious ceremony, the media personality was dreading the idea of attending a church service for his son Cooper's graduation.
So he hatched a plan, which sounded like the perfect solution at the time.
Smuggling a couple of small vodka bottles into the service.
The former NRL star shared the brilliant story on Triple M's The Grill Team.
"I’m not a fan of mass. Going to St Patrick’s at Cessnock and then going to Marist Brothers in Maitland, I was subjected to 15-18 years of going to church.," the 46-year-old told Triple M.
"I just don’t get anything out of it and I just don’t enjoy it. I really don’t.
"So, (wife) Trish says, ‘we’re going to mass’ and I’m like, ‘bloody hell, OK. No worries’.
"I wanted to go for him (son Cooper), but I was wondering, ‘how am I going to get through the ceremony?’
"So I got a couple little bottles of vodka. You know the old Crystal Heads — and they were invented for that reason."
But the wild plan certainly didn't go to plan for Johns, who underestimated his Trish's detective skills.
"So, I turned up at the church, and I had two (bottles) there, and I was thinking to myself I’ll have the first one before I’m about to go in," Johns said.
"So I went into the toilet, I went whooshka, booshka and put it away.
"Then I walked in and sat next to Trish and I said here we go. And I said to her: ‘what about the boy, hey? Gee, time goes quick’.
"And she goes, ‘You smell like you’ve just skolled vodka’.
“And I said, ‘That’s ridiculous’. Then she reaches in and touches my pocket and she strikes gold.
“She goes, ‘Mate, I am filthy’. So I am thinking to myself, ‘Oh no’.
"Trish had to get up and do the offering, the procession where they take the bread and the wine down the church. So as Trish was walking down the church I slipped out for the second (bottle).
"I ran to the toilet and I ran back to try to beat her back (to the pew). Whooshka, it was gone, but she beat me back. She said, ‘You are absolutely, just a …’.
"And I said ‘I know, I absolutely agree with you’. But I tell you what, it was the best ceremony I’ve ever been to and I did get a lot out of it."
