Mom Opens Up About Realities of Raising Kids While in Open Marriage with Husband of 14 Years (Exclusive)
The "openly committed" husband and wife went through a "phase of monogamy" while they were expecting their first baby
Danielle @OpenlyCommitted
Danielle of @OpenlyCommittedOpen relationship specialist Danielle posted a TikTok video explaining how she and her husband have entered phases of monogamy during their 14 years together
While they typically keep their marriage open to external relationships, they opted for a period of exclusivity while expecting their first child and again when Danielle was "dating a few too many people," as she explained in her video
Speaking to PEOPLE, the TikTok creator addressed questions about what dating "too many people" looked like and how that affected her family relationships
Not all marriages look alike, but one couple's unique philosophy on monogamy is stirring up interest on social media.
Relationship specialist Danielle — who does not publicize her last name in her Open Commitment coaching practice — posted a TikTok explaining how she and her husband have gone through two "phases of monogamy" over the course of their relationship.
"The first phase of monogamy was when we were pregnant with our first child. We were moving cities, we were super excited to be parents and I think that we never even planned it. We sort of woke up one day and realized, 'Woah, we've been monogamous for over a year now,' " Danielle explained in her video, which reached 2.2 million TikTok viewers.
Danielle went on to share how her husband was the one to request their second phase of monogamy in the years since they opened their marriage. At the time, she says she was "having a lot of fun and going a little bit wild and probably dating a few too many people."
Danielle @OpenlyCommitted
Danielle of @OpenlyCommitted"It was starting to create distance between myself and my husband," Danielle continued. Her husband asked her to "tone it down," though she admitted that she didn't immediately respond to his request, prompting him to ask for a monogamous period.
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"We discussed it, and I wanted to have time to say goodbye and close off the relationships that I had started. It was what I needed and felt like it was fair to people I was seeing," Danielle said in her TikTok, which garnered over 84,400 likes since she first posted it in August 2022.
During their second phase of exclusivity, Danielle said they worked to focus on their relationship and ensure its stability. "Because for us, the only way that non-monogamy works is when our foundation is really strong," she concluded.
In the comments, many users questioned why Danielle's husband asked her to "tone down" her extramarital relationships since they agreed to an open relationship. But the TikTok creator tells PEOPLE that she became unable to balance her dating life with her family life.
"I was dating three people at once, which is way too many, because that's essentially four relationships, plus the relationships that I have with my two kids and family and friends," she recalls. "Dating that many people in that phase of my life took away from my other relationships ... and that was a lesson learned. It is not something I will repeat."
The idea of non-monogamous phases may sound foreign to people in more traditionally "closed" relationships, but Danielle grounds her perspective with more universal ideas.
"I think there's certain phases that we talk about all the time in society," she explains. "You'll hear the 'honeymoon phase' because someone just got together. And then there's a 'new parents phase' where everyone knows Mom and Dad are not sleeping because there's a baby in the household."
The relationship expert notes that common language reflects phases more generally too: "We will say things like, 'Oh, it's just a phase.' Like, 'Oh, you and your husband are going through a difficult, rough patch,' " she adds.
Danielle tells PEOPLE her relationship "continuously goes through phases" as they transition between pursuits and priorities.
Getty
Stock image of a couple holding hands."We've had phases where one of us is really stressed, one of us is really confident in our job, one of us is taking on a new career and taking on something that is really difficult to do, and that impacts our marriage," says the TikToker, who notes that she and her husband have recently entered a phase that reframes their domestic dynamic.
"Right now, I am pursuing a career as a content creator and an author, and I take over more of the household duties," she explains. "So our relationship looks more traditional and he's running his own company."
But no matter the state or phase of her marriage, Danielle maintains that their two children — ages 7 and 10 — always come first: "If my dating life is impacting the time that I spend with my kids when my kids need me, then I don't date," she says.
Danielle is aware of the judgment other people aim at her based on the fact that she's a mom. She says her most negative TikTok comments state that her non-monogamous marriage will have a negative effect on her home.
"I think that that's probably the most common thing that I hear, is like, 'You being in an open relationship is going to mess up your kids,' which feels a little bit unfair when you look at today's divorce rates," she tells PEOPLE.
Despite what her critics have to say, Danielle is not worried about her romantic lifestyle hindering her parenting capabilities.
"I think the main way that non-monogamy impacts me as a parent is other people's perceptions of my relationship, not my actual relationship," she says, adding that she and her husband plan to speak honestly with her children about their relationship when it feels age-appropriate to do so.
Overall, she feels that non-monogamy makes her a "more energetic, positive parent."
"I feel like dating gives me energy. It gives me a lot of joy. I'm an extrovert. I love meeting people. Dates are really fun," the author tells PEOPLE. "I'm so fortunate that I still have wonderful dates with my husband, and I also get to have fun dates with other people too."
Danielle @OpenlyCommitted
Danielle of @OpenlyCommitted discussing non-monogamy on TikTok.The content creator says she receives disapproving comments calling her out for "destroying the idea of marriage" and questioning why she's married in the first place. Some viewers assume her behavior is "just about sex," but Danielle insists that she maintains the same standards in dating as she does in her marriage.
"I do get a lot of comments calling me a slut, calling me someone who's sex-obsessed, telling me that polyamory is just another way to be slutty," Danielle shares. "It's interesting because I've had two serious relationships outside my marriage in 14 years. That's not a lot."
Danielle's dating style is intentional, with a focus on "chemistry and joy and excitement." She says some relationships meet her needs that evolve with specific phases of her life.
"After my daughter was born, I didn't feel good in my body. My body had just gone through a huge surgery and C-section and huge weight gain, and I was really vulnerable," she recalls to PEOPLE. "No matter how many times my husband told me how beautiful I was, it was hard to hear. Then when I started dating another guy who called me beautiful, I could hear it differently."
Non-monogamy also allows Danielle space to explore interests that she doesn't share with her husband, like her more outdoorsy inclinations.
"I was recently dating someone who absolutely adores going on a 12-hour hike with me," she says. "That gives me energy. That gives me joy. And I get to bring that energy home into my family."
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