Everything you need to know about flirting
For many, flirting is like a walk in the park, but it doesn’t always come as naturally for others. From intrusive worries like, “What if they don’t like me?” to "Am I being cringe?”, chatting someone up can be an anxiety-inducing experience that leaves you wanting to crawl into a dark hole for the rest of eternity.
And while the majority of us have been there and vowed to never attempt to ‘flirt’ again, unfortunately, it’s pretty much a non-negotiable in the dating world. Meaning if you want to let someone know you’re into them, you’re gonna have to brush up on your skills.
So, how do you flirt? We’ve rounded up a bunch of dating experts, body language experts, and psychologists to share their *best* flirting advice and tips (thank us later).
Sidenote: If you’re an LGBTQ+ woman or non-binary person trying these pearls of wisdom out on women, all the tips will still work for you but you might also be interested in our guide on how to tell if a woman is into you.
How to flirt
Look at them
Experts used to suggest we look — and then look away — three times to get someone’s attention. However, according to the Social Issues Research Centre, maintaining too much eye contact is one of the most common flirting mistakes.
When we meet someone new our eyes make a zig-zag motion — we look from eye to eye and then the nose. With friends, we look below eye level to include the nose and mouth. The subtle flirt widens that triangle to include parts of the body.
To avoid being too intense when flirting, glance at your date’s mouth now and then but not for long. Staring too much might make someone feel uncomfortable.
Be suggestive
Psychology professor Robert Francoeur stands by the notion that less is more when it comes to flirting. “Overt turn-on attempts sometimes just spook people — they may sense heavy pressure to perform or feel out of control of the situation.” Instead, “subtle things — ones that are just enough to get their imagination going — are often what arouse people the most.”
He advises you to flirt just enough to make them wonder whether you’re interested or not. The uncertainty will get them thinking — and leave them wanting to find out more. So, whether it’s a mildly suggestive phrase or an ‘accidental’ touch, a little teasing can go a long way.
Test the space before you touch
If you’re in the early stages of dating, like the person, and want to find out whether the feeling’s mutual (or, if you’re just wasting your time), it’s definitely worth testing their personal space. Word of caution though — don’t be too forceful, as this could put them off entirely.
Flirtation consultant Judy Dutton and author of How the Science of Sex Can Make You a Better Lover says that “the bubble of air 18 inches around someone’s body is their intimate space”. Bascially, “a no-go zone when you first meet someone”.
Dutton says you can see if someone’s up for you breaking through this barrier by finding an excuse to step briefly into this zone. An example of this could be by “allowing someone behind you to pass, or to grab an appetiser off a wandering tray — then step back out again”. If this person is drawn to you, she says they will respond by “stepping in closer after you’ve backed off”.
Use your smile
Who doesn’t love a good smile? They make people feel at ease, show that you’re friendly, and, in terms of flirting, lets the person know that you’re into them.
Body language expert Judi James offers some expert advice, explaining that you should begin by using eye contact to register your interest, before steering their eyes towards your mouth to ensure they get the signal of approval via the smile. You can do this by allowing your smile to spread down your face from your eyes to your mouth, which should draw their eyes with it.
James adds: “Your smile allows you to show off lovely, healthy-looking teeth which sends a subliminal sexual signal of healthy breeding. Plus, the subtle baring of the teeth signals approachability and rapport.”
She also says that your mouth-smile should be “symmetric rather than lop-sided to show simple emotions of happiness and pleasure. If your smile turns into a laugh you get to tilt your chin up slightly too, baring the length of your neck which is a powerful flirt signal”. Noted!
Make ever-so-slight contact
Once you know the personal space is safe to venture into, it’s time to take things to the next physical level. But, be subtle — the more understated the better — as the sexiest touches are often those electric ones we’re not expecting.
As clinical psychologist Dennis Sugrue, PhD, explains: “Unnecessary touches are a turn-on because they can signal a willingness to venture beyond the safe boundaries we usually maintain between ourselves and others.”
So, there’s no need for those ‘accidental barges’ we see in movies. Rather, small, barely-there touches that only the two of you notice are best. Let your foot ever so slightly touch theirs or lightly brush past them as you squeeze through a gap.
A touch that seems out of the ordinary creates the biggest physical reaction as subliminally it says, “I can’t resist touching you right here and now”.
Ask them a question
As humans, imparting wisdom or giving advice makes us feel good, so don’t be afraid to ask your date a question. Plus, this is a more obvious flirting technique that can allow you to subtly draw attention to yourself.
For example, tell them you’re thinking of getting a different haircut but want their opinion on whether they think it will suit you. The simple flirt asks a question that, while seeming casual, is more directly related to their potential attraction to you.
Compliment them
In contrast, while dishing out compliments makes us feel good, offering too many can make the other person uncomfortable. Rather than sitting back and enjoying the praise, constant admiration can actually be a major turn-off.
Instead of the obvious flirt, like complimenting someone on their outfit or fragrance, opt for the subtle flirt, which waits until the moment is right.
“Giving them a coy compliment lets them know that you’re interested in them sexually without suggesting that you might want something or be playing them,” says Deb Levine, a sex educator and relationship counsellor.
An example of this could be to people watch for a few minutes and then ask if they noticed how that person (who has conveniently just left) was checking them out.
Flirting masterclass? Completed it mate.
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